I was ashamed.
I see it much more clearly now,
now that I have let you go.
A secret. Forbidden and exciting,
to throw in the face of God or fate or parents,
whoever was in charge
of this place
that takes the good ones and leaves us out
because we are tarnished, polluted, unworthy.
Unforgivable.
So what have we got to lose?
We will stay out all night.
We will party until we are sick.
We will take all of the pills we can get.
We will not listen.
We will not do what anyone says.
Why should we?
And I will protect you.
My first love, the only good thing in this world,
the only thing that I know for sure, is real.
I don't care what they say; let them hate us.
Because of our differences.
I hope they do.
We don't need them.
I am with you in your pain, the same that I feel,
a noose, a lump in the throat, uneasiness.
Knowing that certainty can be whipped away like a mat over a trap door
Lying in wait to hurl you into oblivion.
No one will protect us.
But if you fall with me, I will be ok.
Your uncertainty shines through.
Even I can't comfort your pain.
I am not good enough, not woman enough, not man enough,
either.
You push me further away before pulling me back,
a torturous dance between love and despair
neither sure who is the lead.
And I accept, the love.
And I tolerate, the despair.
For you.
It kills me.
I would give you my everything, to stop.
But the pain has consumed you
no way out.
I watch you spiral away, from me.
away from you.
I scream, I cry, I curse you, I curse God or fate or parents,
or whoever is in charge.
whoever is causing this horrible life, this world.
Until I met you, really.
for the first time.
Shame.
This was your manifestation.
This was your truth.
I know you well, now.
I see that I am not to blame, now.
Nor is she.
Without questioning I clung to you,
who was like me.
Outcasted, marginalized, abnormal.
You clung too.
A safe place to be who we were.
A beautifully, naive and limiting place.
That I chose to step outside of,
and you chose to mark and measure and divide
into smaller and smaller pieces.
And though it is not always safe
and it is not always sure
and it is often terrifying
I have found solace in acceptance.
I accept, despite who is incharge.
I accept, because the only one in charge,
is me.
I see it much more clearly now,
now that I have let you go.
A secret. Forbidden and exciting,
to throw in the face of God or fate or parents,
whoever was in charge
of this place
that takes the good ones and leaves us out
because we are tarnished, polluted, unworthy.
Unforgivable.
So what have we got to lose?
We will stay out all night.
We will party until we are sick.
We will take all of the pills we can get.
We will not listen.
We will not do what anyone says.
Why should we?
And I will protect you.
My first love, the only good thing in this world,
the only thing that I know for sure, is real.
I don't care what they say; let them hate us.
Because of our differences.
I hope they do.
We don't need them.
I am with you in your pain, the same that I feel,
a noose, a lump in the throat, uneasiness.
Knowing that certainty can be whipped away like a mat over a trap door
Lying in wait to hurl you into oblivion.
No one will protect us.
But if you fall with me, I will be ok.
Your uncertainty shines through.
Even I can't comfort your pain.
I am not good enough, not woman enough, not man enough,
either.
You push me further away before pulling me back,
a torturous dance between love and despair
neither sure who is the lead.
And I accept, the love.
And I tolerate, the despair.
For you.
It kills me.
I would give you my everything, to stop.
But the pain has consumed you
no way out.
I watch you spiral away, from me.
away from you.
I scream, I cry, I curse you, I curse God or fate or parents,
or whoever is in charge.
whoever is causing this horrible life, this world.
Until I met you, really.
for the first time.
Shame.
This was your manifestation.
This was your truth.
I know you well, now.
I see that I am not to blame, now.
Nor is she.
Without questioning I clung to you,
who was like me.
Outcasted, marginalized, abnormal.
You clung too.
A safe place to be who we were.
A beautifully, naive and limiting place.
That I chose to step outside of,
and you chose to mark and measure and divide
into smaller and smaller pieces.
And though it is not always safe
and it is not always sure
and it is often terrifying
I have found solace in acceptance.
I accept, despite who is incharge.
I accept, because the only one in charge,
is me.
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