Tuesday, March 5, 2013

An Experiment

There is an experiment I am conducting with trust.
It has to do with expelling doubt and trying to trust completely.
It is not easy. Especially with so few allies.
It is entirely possible, in their minds, and in most rational, logical people's minds, that it is naivete, idealism and ultimately, stupidity.
It is entirely possible it will end badly.
It is entirely possible I will be hurt so badly, I will never be the same again. I may not ever recover.
I may not ever have that idealism again. I may not ever be able to trust again. . .

For a long time, I didn't.
A long time may only have been five years, but that is nearly 20% of my life.
For a long time, I doubted love. I refused to give myself fully to it because knowing it had burned too badly. It had pulled the ground right out from under my feet. It sent me scrambling up self-righteous mountains then cast me off of their peaks to spiral into the fault lines of isolation where they spawned. It was a war between the control and chaos inside of me that I tried to cut myself off of completely.
Tried to ignore its existence
And live in ignorance
Turned away from the free fall
That comes from trusting them to be careful with your heart
But they still came for me
Haunted me
Cried and screamed until I listened
And realized in the end that they were twins with different names that started from one egg and returned to the sky, the same.

It was only when I found the egg they hatched from, that I was able to drop it.
To smash it to a million pieces and eat it up.

It's name was fear. Fear of falling into an abyss that has no bottom. Fear of loss of the familiar and everything I loved. Fear of death because it is unknown. Fear of the unknown because it has the potential to be evil which must be synonymous to painful. . .eventually. Fear of being wrong because if I am wrong than I have to return to the beginning and reevaluate everything. Fear of self because I am human. I am imperfect. I am subject to believing incorrect information and I might not be strong enough to climb back up if I fall. . .

. . .into love
Which means trust. Which means making a bold pact with uncertainty. Which means freedom because control, to love, is like the first malignant mutation of a cell that multiplies and weighs down so heavily that it chokes out its natural expansion and makes it impossible to survive. Which means wildness. Which means possible destruction. Which means hope. That it doesn't.

But without the possibility being open, it is impossible. . .to feel completely. To love completely. To know truth. . .

And what is life for. . .if not to open our hearts? Despite them being broken so many billion times before.
To stand strong again, after so many falls, on constantly shifting earth, under inconsistent sky and cry from the depths of our pain full tears of joy.

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