This is everything

An Experiment

There is an experiment I am conducting with trust.

It has to do with expelling doubt and trying to trust completely.

It is not easy. Especially with so few allies.

It is entirely possible, in their minds, and in most rational, logical people's minds, that it is naivete, idealism and ultimately, stupidity.

It is entirely possible it will end badly.

It is entirely possible I will be hurt so badly, I will never be the same again. I may not ever recover.

I may not ever have that idealism again. I may not ever be able to trust again. . .

For a long time, I didn't.

A long time may only have been five years, but that is nearly 20% of my life.

For a long time, I doubted love. I refused to give myself fully to it because knowing it had burned too badly. It had pulled the ground right out from under my feet. It sent me scrambling up self-righteous mountains then cast me off of their peaks to spiral into the fault lines of isolation where they spawned. It was a war between the control and chaos inside of me that I tried to cut myself off of completely.

Tried to ignore its existence

And live in ignorance

Turned away from the free fall

That comes from trusting them to be careful with your heart

But they still came for me

Haunted me

Cried and screamed until I listened

And realized in the end that they were twins with different names that started from one egg and returned to the sky, the same.

It was only when I found the egg they hatched from, that I was able to drop it.

To smash it to a million pieces and eat it up.

It's name was fear. Fear of falling into an abyss that has no bottom. Fear of loss of the familiar and everything I loved. Fear of death because it is unknown. Fear of the unknown because it has the potential to be evil which must be synonymous to painful. . .eventually. Fear of being wrong because if I am wrong than I have to return to the beginning and reevaluate everything. Fear of self because I am human. I am imperfect. I am subject to believing incorrect information and I might not be strong enough to climb back up if I fall. . .

. . .into love

Which means trust. Which means making a bold pact with uncertainty. Which means freedom because control, to love, is like the first malignant mutation of a cell that multiplies and weighs down so heavily that it chokes out its natural expansion and makes it impossible to survive. Which means wildness. Which means possible destruction. Which means hope. That it doesn't.

But without the possibility being open, it is impossible. . .to feel completely. To love completely. To know truth. . .

And what is life for. . .if not to open our hearts? Despite them being broken so many billion times before.

To stand strong again, after so many falls, on constantly shifting earth, under inconsistent sky and cry from the depths of our pain full tears of joy.

Rap News 18: The Great Gun Debate

Ok, I guess waiting for Rap News 17 was worth it if 18 is out already!

Another great transmission from 'Robert Foster' and the Juice Media guys, as usual :)

Power Shifting to Truth

I haven't written anything recently to explicitly state my views on anything.
By recently, I mean probably in more than a year.
I find it hard to express specific views about most things because most of the time, I'm just not that certain.  There is a lot of uncertainty when you look deeply into issues and I'm not very good at looking into things any other way.
I have an incessant desire to find the heart of issues or to find the root or to find the truth.
The truth is not a straight forward thing.  The truth is messy.  Most of the time, I have no idea what it is, but it is always there.  It is at the centre of all the tension and arguments and disagreements.  It is like the eye of a hurricane, silently and calmly creating differing views and opinions to surround it.  Often creating massive destruction.
'Woah. Woah. Woah.  Are you bad talking 'the truth'?!?!' You might find yourself asking.
'No', I reply.  But I think it is very hard to find one truth. I think everyone has their own truth which may differ from others' truths.
'But isn't there a single underlying truth that is ultimate and undeniable?'
'You mean, like a God?'
'Well, maybe some people would look at an ultimate truth as God, but it doesn't necessarily have to be 'God', perse.  Just something that you know is right.'
'How do you know something is right?'
'I guess, sometimes you have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is right or you learn enough about it and so it seems obvious that one thing is right over another.'
'Such as?'
'Well, like when you lie.  Most people don't feel good about lying, even if it's a small lie.'
'Interesting. We're talking about lies already when we were talking about truth a minute ago.  But yes, it usually doesn't feel good to lie because we have some information that we know for a fact we are falsifying.  But I think rather than falsifying the information it's the impacts that lying has that makes it a problem.  The smallest lie can have a huge impact on the world. Can you imagine if you were the queen of the world and you lied about something as tiny as liking tea when really you found it horribly bitter?  Tea plantations would be set up all over the world in your name!  Tea brands would market their tea as your tea! The people of the world, forced (or genuinely) to show their admiration and respect for you, would drink tea enmasse!'
'So it's actually those little lies that make the hurricane.'
'What do you mean?'
'You start at the truth but you come into a world where there are lies everywhere. Basically, you're born into the hurricane. Then you get caught up in it. You start working with the lies instead of working against them and stop trying to get back to that point where the truth was, being totally true to yourself. The hurricane gets stronger and stronger and more and more convoluted'
'I suppose that could be.'
'But it could start with just one person.  One person makes one small lie and people believe them and this whole hurricane spirals out of control and eats North Eastern United States and Eastern Canada!!'
'Or one person could be totally true to themselves, unafraid of what anyone thinks, and have the counter reaction.'
'Just one truth?'
'Well, if one lie can have that effect, why not one truth?'
'So then truth is being true to yourself?'
'What is being true to yourself? Can you ever know that? How much of me or you was created by all of the people who we've ever met or talked to and how much of it was inborn?'
'The nature vs nurture debate.'
'Exactly. Together nature and nurture led us to this present moment where we exist.'
'Both are there simultaneously.'
'All of that biology and all of the people who have encountered you in any way are all there simultaneously inside of this present moment.  In that vein, the future, that will unfold after this present moment, is also already there, because you are creating it with whatever you do in this moment.'
'So the truth is everything all at once.'
'If you can put your mind around it.'
'I see what you mean about the truth being messy.'

My mind sometimes derails my writing like that, sorry.  I decided to just let it be hashed out rather than ignore it and not write anything.
But, if that made any sense to you, please let me know because I'm not even sure it makes total sense to me.
Anyway, it is because I have an inkling that truth is a multifaceted thing that I was very encouraged this past weekend by Power Shift 2012.  It wasn't perfect (is anything, ever?) and there was still a lot of representation missing, but the base of interested people is certainly growing.  Both in numbers and diversity, and that is extremely encouraging.
Now we can start talking about bigger issues and really get the juicy, messy debates going with a lot more of the stakeholders of the future at the table.
People are getting interested in this stuff and it's really exciting.  Mostly, it's exciting because we're starting to talk about systemic problems and challenging the underlying theories that have been used to reproduce and legitimize the status quo for a long time.
I think really, people are getting fed up.  More and more people are getting concerned about climate change (which I do believe is real, just for the record), they're getting scared because it's becoming less and less possible to deny, and simultaneously, they're seeing the government slash environmental regulations and protections.  There is an increasing disregard for indigenous rights and treaties, and increasing awareness that the tar sands are causing indigenous peoples a lot of harm.  Not to mention that it's an extremely energy intensive process that is not a long term or sustainable solution to help alleviate climate change.
People are understanding the weight of the situation we are in and seem to be waking up.  It's exciting because people are looking to young people and want to be involved.  It's exciting because a lot of young people, especially indigenous youth, seem to have a pretty good understanding of what the systemic issues are and how widespread they are.
But there is no easy or proposed one solution.  The thing is, that one solution doesn't really make sense.  There is no bandaid or quick fix to problems of this magnitude.  But I do know that solutions will involve building stronger and more robust communities, sharing information and knowledge and brainstorming.  They will take time investment, negotiation, team building and passion.  They will take creativity, innovation and honesty.
They will take all of us working together for our survival as a species.  If we are not all willing to stand up, in this present moment, our future is already written.

Vindictive

I have a confession to make, while we're being honest with one another.
I am not a total stranger to vengeful, vindictive, fantasies
Though they are rare and never acted upon
I believe wholeheartedly that their poisonous nature would ultimately play out like the sting of a honey bee on your deathly allergic arm.
But, if only because I am aware of them, they are strengthening.

You stand by her locker,
Offering your aloof attention, which could so easily be transferred to the next pretty thing that walks by. . .it wouldn't have to be female or even human to qualify.
Which would be fine except she inhales it like a daffodil basking in the rays of the sun
When you are just a tanning bed, at best.
You would crack and dry her newly opened pedals and cause cancerous growths in her stem and root systems.
She would reach for you and the barrier between your incandescence and her cell wall would be real, touchable, tangible.
You could only cause death and destruction.

And so, I wish to destroy you.
To uncover the power, that I keep so well hidden
And attract you like a moth to the flame.
It would be easy, because it would seem real. . .I would convince you.
I am not swayed by your aloofness, I know.  You would be an easy kill.
My love is like the sun; all encompassing.
Whose boundaries can never be reached,
encouraging you to grow forever.
It is nourishing, it is revealing, it is addictive.
You would bask in it.  You would mature in it.  You would live for it.

And I would drop you.  Shut it off for no rhyme or reason.
Move to Kalamazoo and forget to tell you that I was leaving.
You would never hear from me again.

Then you might understand exactly what it is you will do to her.
What you are doing to her even now.

But my love is not vengeful.
It fantasizes but is powerless to inflict harm willingly.
Instead it hopes for you and she, that you are young and naive and wish no harm upon each other.  That you are not using each other to fulfil some teenage means or end.  That you are caring  with the depth of your heart which is still not deep but will grow through this encounter.
I see this from the outside, out of your league, though you don't see it yet.

mountains in Chiang Mai, Thaliand

Her beautiful pedals may shrivel and die but she will be reborn as a new and beautiful flower the next spring, reaching ever upward, higher and higher to embrace your nourishing light.
And you will shake your shell, eventually.  She will break down each barrier with her piercing death until you become the eternal energy reaching, yearning, for the comfort of her earth.

What transpired in the park

If I had pushed you the right way, you would have swung perfectly on your heel, like a door on a hinge. 
I could see it stiffening your shoulders. . .arms. . .legs. . .
sucking the saliva from your trembling mouth and air from your lungs
as your heart could no longer control its wild rhythm.

Though mine was matching yours in a sprint of pumping madness,
on the outside I was calm, practiced.
Tingling fingertips concealed by experience
and so I could recognize it in you.
As our young lips touched awkwardly at first--swollen in expectation like airbags that had been released from only the threat of impact
teeth touching--like antique china plates stacked in the box we accidentally dropped on the concrete
and finally. . .
exploring with tongues through soft tunnels and damp caves in the dark
we exhale and relax into each other.

bedtime woes

I know it is almost the time.
I can tell by the dark window, through which I can no longer see anything, by their movements, their wrist-ward looks and conspirational glances towards one another in this dimly lit room.
We try to ignore them, not fully convinced that they remain when we face the wood panelled wall and can't see them.
We make dreams with our fresh words- that hold little attachment.
We travel on safaris through the brown shag carpet, make castles from the flower patterened couch and chair. . .who's walls we decorate with our own design- hyroglyphics in all the colours of the rainbow - lines yet unlearned.
Our minds drown out the drone of the TV that no longer speaks our language- as the window darkens, and the lights come on.
Even the flashy televised colours are dismissed for a 3 dimensional wonderland of newly granted life.
But we are not invisible, despite turned backs and disinterest.
With a seeming lack of compassion, they carry us off to bed.

People of the Sun

I remember leaving on the plane
I remember hot, sticky introductions in foreign buildings and houses, the manner and custom as unnatural to my body as the climate felt.
I remember smells of fermentation in the old towns, traditional cooking wafting through thin windows on the stale summer breeze.  What would be comfort scents to a native of this place, upon returning home.
I remember wide-eyed excitement of the new. . .trees, land, people, things.  A childlike curiosity awakened.
I remember lush green rice paddies in unexpected places, between apartment buildings, down side streets, adding green rounded life to it's squarely sharpened surroundings.  Trains to every direction, shops that never sleep.
I remember building a kind of life, routine, in this curious new-ness.  A familiar sequence in an unfamiliar scene.
I remember the wind's gentle caress on blooming sakura branches, inviting the flowers to one last magical dance.
I remember cherry blossom snow.
I remember awkward stares, averted because of discomfort or. . .excitement, I couldn't tell which.
I remember being constantly the topic of conversation, in a language I wasn't supposed to understand.  The foreigner, the other; no matter what.
I remember rules and order so unquestioned, so absolute, I couldn't breathe.
I remember the mountains, away from everything.  Nearly unused, deserted roads carved into their untouched, forested sides, that I climbed, more and more often, higher and higher. . .
I remember closing my mind- but I don't remember why.

Yamagata, Japan

I remember leaving on the plane. . .

and slowly. . .

it receded, as if into a dream.  Shaken awake, clarity, seen with a different eye.

I remember. . .remembering. . .opening. . .to returning again.

14 HK

I was ashamed.
I see it much more clearly now,
now that I have let you go.

A secret.  Forbidden and exciting,
to throw in the face of God or fate or parents,
whoever was in charge
of this place
that takes the good ones and leaves us out
because we are tarnished, polluted, unworthy.
Unforgivable.
So what have we got to lose?

We will stay out all night.
We will party until we are sick.
We will take all of the pills we can get.
We will not listen.
We will not do what anyone says.
Why should we?

And I will protect you.
My first love, the only good thing in this world,
the only thing that I know for sure, is real.
I don't care what they say; let them hate us.
Because of our differences.
I hope they do.
We don't need them.

I am with you in your pain, the same that I feel,
a noose, a lump in the throat, uneasiness.
Knowing that certainty can be whipped away like a mat over a trap door
Lying in wait to hurl you into oblivion.
No one will protect us.
But if you fall with me, I will be ok.

Your uncertainty shines through.
Even I can't comfort your pain.
I am not good enough, not woman enough, not man enough,
either.
You push me further away before pulling me back,
a torturous dance between love and despair
neither sure who is the lead.
And I accept, the love.
And I tolerate, the despair.
For you.
It kills me.

I would give you my everything, to stop.
But the pain has consumed you
no way out.
I watch you spiral away, from me.
away from you.
I scream, I cry, I curse you, I curse God or fate or parents,
or whoever is in charge.
whoever is causing this horrible life, this world.

Until I met you, really.
for the first time.
Shame.
This was your manifestation.
This was your truth.
I know you well, now.
I see that I am not to blame, now.
Nor is she.

Without questioning I clung to you,
who was like me.
Outcasted, marginalized, abnormal.
You clung too.
A safe place to be who we were.
A beautifully, naive and limiting place.
That I chose to step outside of,
and you chose to mark and measure and divide
into smaller and smaller pieces.

And though it is not always safe
and it is not always sure
and it is often terrifying
I have found solace in acceptance.
I accept, despite who is incharge.
I accept, because the only one in charge,
is me.

family tree

she slurs her words and talks like a child,
it could be cute in different circumstances.
repeating the same stories, the same information
as if it is new
oblivious to her repetition
oblivious to me.
oblivious to any hierarchy or order that is supposed to exist
a revolutionary?  unlikely.
it's impossible to talk at this time of night
any night
so I give up.
she won't remember anyway.
we could have the same conversation the next morning
the next week,
the next year,
except she'd be rushed, she'd be stressed. . .
she'd still be unavailable.
so what difference does it make?

I may as well be talking to a complete stranger. . .
not even.
A stranger could still be present, could still be interested in getting to know who I am
What I think, what i feel, how I operate.
Might be interested in my opinions, in my life, in my relationships. . .
Might offer me advice or wisdom from their own experience.
Sharing their own stories from life.
Might listen openly about what I have to say.
Might notice that we have difference and be curious about why. . .
But our conversations are very different.
Surface. Shallow.
Something I don't respond well to.

what can I do differently?
I've tried everything.
But it's not my life, I can't change it.
She is running away, as fast and as far as possible
from herself.
Any moment alone, in wait, in question, in wonder, in clarity, will cause the whole structure to collapse, burying her in the rubble. . .
she fears.
So she is never there, the lights are on but no one's home.
She has built her dream family, her dream career, her dream life, but she can not enjoy it.
She has never learned how to enjoy, to appreciate, to be grateful for what is and for what was, simultaneously; because they can not exist separately. . .
or perhaps that is the contradiction which she can not bare.
Attacks are coming from all directions, internally and externally,
No one is an ally, enemies abound.
She can only hope to drown them with liquid poison.
To forget them, to ignore them, to avoid them, at all costs.
At the cost of her life.

I am here.
You invited me for a reason.
I have come to open the windows and the doors of your dream house.
To let out the stale air and the broken past and the imperfections that you have imagined
To break open new doors if necessary, to show you that there is a way out.

That you are safe here, that you can trust again.
I too know what it is like to wish for something other than you've been given,
someone other than you've been given. . .
But have realized the benefit of acceptance of what is.
I am holding out a branch to your island of self-loathing that could change things all around.
I know, because I have been there.
Accept what is given to you, for once.  Please.
How much longer will you torture yourself? and us?
You are beautiful and smart and perfect and everything you've always wanted to be or ugly and stupid and useless and everything you've always thought you were. . .the thoughts only depend on you.  Only you can change them. 
Only you can choose to love and accept yourself.
I can only hold this branch,
It's up to you to grab it.
 

stars

we are two different shorelines
two continents
two stories
two stars on a crash course
attraction of positive, negative and a billion years
pulling our universes together, finally
to explode entirely into each other.
We are not the giants who pass silently in the night, together.
We are the adventurers, the troublemakers, the children, the lovers
who are still curious to discover our own depth
exploring it as innocently as a child touches the first flame
the burn, unlearned.
And it could be complete disaster
utter failure, annihilation, tragedy, sorrow and suffering
so it must be, to make room for the possibility
that it is not.
The risk is great, greater than all materials combined into their pinnacle of worth
freedom in release from clutches, desperately clinging
to something, anything, that is tangible
the unknown, the uncertainty, is deep, dark and terrifying
the woods and haunts of tales and fables, fear of density.
It surrounds you; it must.
No escape,  no exit, no way out.
Beat into submission, to let-go, to exhale.
It will come for all of us, sooner or later.

But we are reckless.
We have abandoned our doubts and questions.
We trust this force that we can not control, a river of energy guiding us to places
unknown, undreamt , unformed.
collision imminent, impact unavoidable
unshielded, unguarded, naked,
we surrender.

instructions

be the change
but what change do i want to see?
and how can i encourage it
without imposing me?
can we ever be united
when we see through + or - 14 billion lenses?
not including animals, bugs and trees
and yet we are united by this common orb called home
for now
even after we have perished
we will still be here
transformed and shifted.
to try again--if we desire
but it is not a race or game of survival
it is a lesson, a teaching, and you, an instrument
learning to make beauty in line with the great mystery
to marry the opposites and fill them with music
such that they have no choice but to dance the night away
required is patience, listening, an open heart and most importantly
love
it will speak to you in a language you won't understand without these
won't understand anyways. . .immediately
but there is clarity in time and reflection
the highest highs and lowest lows are flattened without dimension
and so the present teaches us
if we stay inside its narrowly infinite boundaries
and stay vigilant against persistent intruders
death on either side
appreciation is key
for this is all we have.

shadow

When I learn about history it hurts my heart
To learn what my present is built on.
There are triumphs too, at least there were
before I learned of the defeated.
And now I'm not so sure
that I know right from wrong.
Standing in the shoes of your shadow
it's hard to get off the ground
and much darker than imagined.
But it's much clearer
what can never be yours
hope may as well be abandoned.
Striving for it, you hurt yourself,
understanding more fully the implications.
Because you were once the implicated.
But if your confidence depends on kicking down your shadow,
you will be the first to kick
and refuse to emancipate it.
Failing to realize your intrinsic dependency
an eternal power struggle for freedom.
Neither is desirable anyway.
When such disparity is involved,
the taste is much different on the tongue.
Equality only in nothingness.
Better to disappear entirely.

Welcome to Hungry Ghost World

I was born with 5000 year old eyes and 18 year old skin
to conceal the past within
the time it takes to destroy and create
much faster than it was
though much the same as it becomes
near the end.

The fear spreading wide to consume and envelop all
that it touches
producing faster turning wheels and clutches
faster falling into holes of discomfort
until there is nothing left to run for
hope abandoned
despair and darkened.

They shout and scream and sing in protest
a single voice in the night of conquest
devouring everything that lives
producing perfect, sterile, fibs
of affluence and contentment.

They resist, with truth and art and love
unlistening the masses glove
their hands with fame and riches
advertise and sell the twitches
that would move us to revolt.

Disregarding contradictions in our war
distrust the thoughts that might explore
the possibility of same
diversify the blame
history explains the shame:
that we are wrong.

The hunger thus ensues
unsatiated to pursue
that which can not satisfy the hungry ghost.
Welcome to hungry ghost world.
all 6 stages are present and alive
but soon they will multiply
and become one.

For it has been all through time,
I would know, these eyes of mine
have seen.

We can be saved

If we build a bridge.
Not a tower or a bomb or a dam or a nuclear power plant.
If we build a bridge.
Not a riot or a genocide or a war or a conquest.
If we build a bridge.
Not a clear cutting or a mass poisoning or an extracting or a mining.
If we build a bridge.
Not a mass extinction.

A bridge that anyone can cross.  A bridge that is built by all of us.  7 billion+ strong.  It is built on a foundation of love with beams made of hope and courage and bolted together by trust, ingenuity, imagination and integrity.  A bridge that finally sees the preciousness of unique and each person's individuality as equal.  A bridge where diversity adds beauty and colour to the design.  A bridge that leads us from the banks of the status quo, over impossible to a new land we haven't yet seen. 

It's impossible.
If we don't work together.
It's impossible.
If we wait too long to realize the potential that is innate in each of us.
It's impossible.
If we're not willing to entertain the power of love to transform and heal.
It's impossible.
If we don't start with ourselves and start building our relationships with others.  Old and young.  Male and Female.  Conservative and Liberal.  Capitalists/Free-market advocates and Socialists/Communists.  White and Black and Red and Yellow.  Rural and Urban.  Christian and Muslim and Hindu and Buddhist and Jain and Sikh and etc.  We're all in this together.

This is personal.  This is global.  This is it.  Now or never.  Let's make it worth living for.

7 Billion Journeys

If you want to follow me, I will say come and follow.
But you will be doing yourself a disservice walking in another's shoes.
If you want to believe in me, then believe.
But don't lean on that belief to replace belief in yourself.
If you think I am speaking the truth, you are free to think so.
But don't be afraid to doubt, to question, to think your own thoughts.
If you want to love me, then love.
But the best love you can give comes from truly loving yourself.
If you seek the easy way; you will find directions through the entrance to the hard way.
If you seek at all you will inevitably find yourself where your seeking began.
7 billion journeys for 7 billion people.
Inhale.  Exhale.

Ecological Flaw

Ok so let me get this straight.

We were born into a world with lungs which breath Oxygen to nourish our cells and pump blood through our bodies before turning it into Carbon dioxide and exhaling it.  The air was clean and full of everything we needed to breathe.

We were born into a world with abundant vegetation and wildlife that all work together to reproduce themselves, which may not always look harmonious close up, but have natural checks and balances to keep one species from growing out of control so that overall harmony is maintained.  We were able to eat all of that food directly, most without any cooking necessary (although most times it was preferable) to nourish and sustain ourselves for long periods of time.  Without any pesticides or chemicals.  Without any packages or preservatives.

We were born into a world that once had clean fresh water that makes up some 50-78% of our body and is essential for our survival, abundantly available to most of us for free.

But then. . .

We were born into a world that put prices on these things.
We were born into a world that makes us sound crazy when we demand these things for free.
We were born into a world that puts more and more pressure on farmers who are trying to provide these necessities to use chemicals and corporate products that in turn poison and pollute the water, animals, crops and air.
We were born into a world that made necessities less and less accessible to the common people.
We were born into a world that sees that natural world as separate, alien, wild, dangerous, old fashioned, backwards. . .
We were born into a world that valued things like gold, oil, diamonds, silver, money. . .none of which help us to survive.

If we have no clean water and no safe food and no clean air, it doesn't matter how much gold or silver or diamonds or iphones or cars or oil refineries or investments or gucci or prada you have.  You can't buy your way out of this.  All castles and all slums still exists on this planet.
This is everyone's problem.  If we don't collectively try to find solutions, we will all suffer the consequences.  They will touch everyone as all water and all air circulate to touch everyone around the world.  In our existence on this planet, we are one people.  The ability with which we can work together will determine whether or not we survive.  Let's put the necessities back on the table and start taking up stocks in fresh water, clean air and organic produce until they are so abundant they are worthless again.

There is one truth that I know.
Where everything goes and becomes one.
It isn't God perse, at least not in any way
I've been told.
It is an eternal light where all sides of wrong and right
come together and ignite into a flame
there is no blame or hatred
how can there be when it is sacred
and inseparable from love?
the opposites unite, day and night transcend the plight
of time
complete their endless dance, of push and pull, embrace romance
and are one again.
there's nothing to fear, since it is always near to security
in numbers 1 through infinity.
we are all a part of divinity
walking blindly in the night
through darkness into the light

for the win

This is how I know.

I've been here before.  Different context, different scenery, different time, different you and different me but it's the same situation.

I've learned and I've grown.  I know the risks and I know the challenge.  I know it will be difficult and I haven't been able to do it before.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't aware.  I wasn't sure.  But now it's different somehow.

Now makes me see how important the past was.  It was training and being given teachings.  Except the teachings were real life and people and interactions.  Mistakes and grief, depression, self-loathing, realizations and strength building.  The strength to stand up again even in adversity.  When the unexpected naturally appears out of nowhere.

It's important to embrace the unexpected, to not hold on too tightly to our desires so that what is meant to be can be.  It usually ends up being much better than we can imagine, although it isn't always easy getting through the rough patches in between.

I know that there is a lot of uncertainty and I have no idea how things will turn out.  But I am ready and I understand the risks and the difficulty and the process.  I know because my life has led me in this direction for a reason. . .to put all of my learning and skills and knowledge and experience to work.  It's not a challenge that I have set for myself, it's one that has come naturally and to back down from it, after such specific training, would be the wrong choice.

And this time, we're going to win. 

The truth is:

Everything you ever heard.  Everything you ever saw.  Everything you ever touched.  Everything you ever smelled.  Everything you ever tasted.  Everything you ever dreamed.  Everything you ever knew.
The good and the bad. 
The religious and irreligious.
The regular and irregular.
The sound and the silence.
The cloud and the sky.
The black and the white.
The war and the peace.
The capitalist and the communist.
The man and the machine.
The 99 and the 1%.
The true and the untrue.
The man and the woman.
The ying and the yang.
The land and the sea.
The smart and the stupid.
The evolution and the creation.
The same and the different.
The hard and the soft.
The space and the star.
The you and the I.
The known and the unknown.
The there and
Everything you ever heard.  Everything you ever saw.  Everything you ever touched.  Everything you ever smelled.  Everything you ever tasted.  Everything you ever dreamed.  Everything you ever knew.